I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
