woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize