He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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