am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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