He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
