theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize