And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize