I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
