Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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