Cold hands, warm shart.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
