you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
