i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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