someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
