I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize