Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
this beer tastes like vomit already
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
