Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
