What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I got her a Nickelback box set.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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