Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Its about making memories worth repressing
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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