So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
