Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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