I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
