Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
