ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
