I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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