Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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