Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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