There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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