There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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