Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
