The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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