Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Randomize
