Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
