Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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