we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
