Will you blow on my dice?
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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