Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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