i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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