im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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