His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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