I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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