Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
