Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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