That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize