I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
