He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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