he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
