Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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