I could make wine with my vomit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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