the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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