well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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