I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize