Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You were trust falling into bushes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
