Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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