Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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