If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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