I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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