and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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