I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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