She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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